A long long time ago, in another life, I'd read a really good book by Groucho Marx (forgotten its name - think it was 'Groucho and Me' or something). Instantly fell in love with the man for his stylishly self-deprecating wit and sometimes-sassy humor. Found some of these lines on a site dedicated to him. Have highlighted my favorites in bold. Savour this.
PS: Have overpowered the feminist side of me and overlooked some of the male chauvinistic comments below. Suggest you do so too. Just shut her out for 2 minutes, and if you haven't, don't blame me for what happens next.

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart.[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (I personally identify and empathise with this one!)
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.